LOST in SPACE

my place. my life. don't interfere.

 

New Year has passed.  It's already 2007.  And yet - I don't feel like I'm anew.  You know what I'm saying? 

Weird though because I should be feeling whole and happy.  And yet - I am feeling the exact opposite.  Oh sure, I am having fun.  Shallow fun.  Superficial fun.  Fun without substance.

I have a lot of things going on in my mind right now. 

I remember a friend of mine and I were talking the other day about us being adults already and how fast the world is spinning.  Come to think of it - it's already 2007, mid January.  Parang kailan lang at 2006 lang.

But now...

Us being adults means having adult problems as well.  You handle the stress of being an adult.  You handle the problems that an adult encounters.  You get all this bullshit about being an adult.  And you keep on wishing that you were a kid again.

Ah... The bliss of innocence and being ignorant of the things going on around you.

Where is Neverland when you need it?

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 04:55 | link | comments (1) |
wala lang stuff, rants and raves

THE RANTINGS OF A SIMPLE GIRL IN A SIMPLY COMPLICATED SITUATION

Ok.  So right now, I am in a state of being complicated.  Which is weird because I don’t usually feel this way.  Maybe it’s just me or something or maybe it’s just the situation that I am currently in. 

 

Ok.  So here’s the deal.  Last night, we went out.  This guy that I really like.  We were good.  Really good.  You know how I like guys that I can converse with just about anything.  And that was how we were.  We were talking about literally anything that came into our minds.  We were talking non-stop.  Laughing all the way.  Even when we got to the movie that we decided to watch, we were still engrossed in small talk.

 

But then – he kissed me.  And that’s where everything suddenly changed.  I felt some spark there.  A jolt.  An electricity that coursed suddenly through my veins.  As if everything stopped.  And we were just the two people around.  Cliché-ic huh?  But who cares?  It was what I felt.

 

I think he felt it too.  And that was where the complications began.  Somehow, we both knew that something like that might happen which was why we don’t breach the topic of “us” although lots of people tell us that there might be something more going on between us.  We just laugh them off when they tell us that. 

 

But last night, last night was different.  Through that kiss, the topic was breached.  Through that kiss – everything changed.  I like him all right.  Really like him.  The attraction was there ever since we met.  But – arrgghhh!  No, I don’t want to call it love because it isn’t.  And I don’t want to get too complicated like that.  I don’t want to think I’m starting to feel waaaayy too much for him because of that one tiny little kiss.  And you know me.  I’m that girl who shouted to the whole world that I am not going into something like this because I believe it’s somewhat superficial.  And it’s not what I need at the moment.  I need something substantial.  Something real.  And well – yeah, this somehow seemed real. 

 

What is so complicated about this, you ask?  I know – the above paragraphs seem so simple.  I mean – it implicates that I’m single, he’s single, we’re good together and it’s obvious that we like each other so why not go for it, right? 

 

The complication?  He had a girlfriend who right now thinks she has some claim on him still.  And somehow – he just couldn’t pull away.  Maybe he loves her.  Really loves her.  Or maybe he just feels like he has some responsibility for the girl.  Or maybe he just really loves her.  I don’t know!

 

Sometimes, he tells me in a jokingly manner that if only I was his girlfriend then everything wouldn’t be as complicated as the situation he was in.  That maybe, life could be simple and that everything would work out just fine.  We click really good, you know.   I just laugh at him when he tells me that.  Telling him that – nah, he just thinks that is so because we are not together and he’s just probably wondering how it would be if we are together.

 

There are lots of other complications though.  The fact that I might not stay long here and transfer states is one.  We come from two very different backgrounds.  I don’t know what our families might say about us should we hook up together.  There are lots more, some are irrelevant though as they are quite meaningless and not really the sort of reason you’re going to give for something like this.

 

We are so open with each other, do you know that?  In the short period of time that we got to know each other, we already knew a lot about each other.  He knows what I’m like in a relationship.  He knows my past.  I know his past.  I know how his mind works on most things and what he’s thinking.

 

Dang it.

 

I just realized.  Why does it seem that I keep on liking guys that have a lot of complications such as this?  I liked a couple of guys in the past (both of which were my ex-es actually and who have moved on meaning they got themselves new girlfriends but when we get together, sparks still fly) who were exactly like him and the situation he is in and we are currently in. 

 

Dang it again.

 

What the hell is wrong with me?  Why couldn’t I just pick some normal guy out there that I would click with who doesn’t have the complications that this guy has?  Am I just weird or am I just apt into picking those that are not the right ones for me?  In 10 guys, 9 of which are normal, I go choosing the one that is not.

 

Arrrghh…

 

So shoot me.

 

27 November 2006

9:24PM Monday

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 13:12 | link | comments (4) |
wala lang stuff, rants and raves

Pagdating ng gabi

Ikaw sana’y katabi

Laging nasa isip

Maging sa panaginip

 

Panaginip ay ikaw

Panaginip ay ikaw…

 

Pag-gising sa umaga

Ikaw ang naalala

Nais kang makita

Maging sa kisapmata

 

Kilala mo ba ako?

Ako’y may lihim na pagtingin sa ‘yo

Ngunit alam kong sagot mo

Sa akin ay ayaw mo

 

Dapat bang pilitin?

Dito sa damdamin

Kahit di mo pansin

Ang aking pagtingin

 

Kilala mo ba ako?

Ako’y may lihim na pagtingin sa ‘yo

Ngunit alam kong sagot mo

Sa akin ay ayaw mo…

 

Panaginip

Panaginip

Panaginip

Ay ikaw…

 

Kilala mo ba ako?

 

Panaginip

Pumping Pluto

November 2005

 

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 12:11 | link | comments |
wala lang stuff

I am currently feeling...  I don't know. Happy?  Sad?  Excited?  Confused?

I have mixed emotions right now.

I am excited about moving out of the place I am currently staying at (at my aunt's place in Covina).  I'm moving to Northridge and renting a place for my own.  Yeah, it's something to be excited about since I'm really talking about being independent this time around for real.  I will be cooking my own food, making my own way in the world.  Alone.

That's gotta be something.

And yet - I feel so... Detached? 

I don't know.

It seems weird that I'm feeling like this.  I should be really ecstatic since it's a big leap for me.  Maybe that's it.  It is a BIG leap so I feel - hmm...

With work, I'm getting tired with it.  I need something new.  A change of scenery.  It's been kinda a routine for me lately.  Plus my boss is asking for too much already.  We're getting along pretty fine but I just need to do what I really like I suppose. 

Everything seems so uncertain for me at the moment.  My decisions are being hampered by.... By what?  I couldn't tell.  Why does it seem like I don't know which path I have to take right now? 

I've made some good decisions lately, I think or so other people think.  And yet it feels like something is missing.  Something that makes it incomplete.  What?  Please don't ask me.  I wouldn't be able to tell you.

I'm thinking such random thoughts.  Feelings.  Nothingness. 

What do I need to do?  What should I do?  How?  And why?

Questions are left unanswered.  I have a lot of those.  I've been crying myself to sleep sometimes because I don't know what to feel and what to do with what I'm going through. 

People see that I'm ok with my life.  People think I'm ok.  People think I'm happy and that I'm really blessed with a lot of things.  But...

I need something.  I just couldn't pinpoint what.  I have friends.  I have my support group.  I have my family.  I have God.  But there is still something that I need.  I just don't know what. 

Do I need myself?  I think I need to find myself.  My niche.  My life.  The thing that I really want to have.  What is that? 

Dang.

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 13:54 | link | comments |
wala lang stuff, rants and raves

He was the first person I saw among the throng of people inside the bus.  He was looking outside the window, his forehead on it, lost in thought.  His shoulders were slumped, his eyes depicted sadness.  Sadness that could only come from somewhere deep within.  Sadness that couldn’t be reached unless coaxed out.

 

There was an empty seat beside him.  Why no one would want to sit at that seat, when there were people standing inside the bus already, was something I couldn’t fathom.  Maybe that was why he was lonely.  No one would sit beside him.  No one wanted to be with him.  His face unsmiling, his eyes on the verge of tears.  He was lonely.  Alone.  So I went to him and sat beside him.  He looked up briefly and gave me a small smile.  As if he was grateful that I sat beside him.  That I alone understood how he wanted to be with someone and yet no one would hear his silent plea. 

 

I smiled back.  Acknowledging his silent thanks.  His gaze lingered for a few seconds and then he went back to staring outside the window.  I was half tempted to talk to him.  To ask him how he was.  To know what it was that he was thinking.  To know why he was alone and lonely.  To ask if he needed someone to listen to him. 

 

I looked at his reflection in the window.  With the glaring lights inside the bus, it wasn’t hard to see him.  I wanted to comfort him.  To offer my friendship.  To offer a listening ear, a lending hand. 

 

But then – my stop came. 

 

I took a glance at him, trying to see if he would look at me.  That alone would have stopped me and I would have stayed.  But he didn’t.  He continued staring outside the window.  He continued on his silent loneliness.

 

I stood up and walked towards the exit of the bus.  I looked back at him and I was startled.  He was looking right back at me.  Before I went down, he mouthed “Thank you” and then the bus door closed.

 

As I watched the bus drive away – I smiled.  And remembered.

 

26 September 2006

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 12:17 | link | comments |
stories, wala lang stuff

BY

Is one of the best films ever made and produced.  It is such a visual treat and a fairy tale that both kids and adults would adore.  Well, adults most probably would love it better than kids. 

Helena was and is wonderful.  With such a pretty face and accent to die for, I would go back again and again to watch this movie for her.  She was the star of this film and look at her?  Who wouldn't fall in love with her in this movie?

And the visuals and the animation and the production design and the - ok, ok.  I know you get it.  Just watch it and rave with me.

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 04:16 | link | comments |
wala lang stuff, rants and raves

My support group (a.k.a the people I consider my closest friends here in the land of where I am currently staying) and I are drifting apart.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I am feeling down.  Aside from some million other things that's in my mind, that's probably one thing that's standing out. 

Somehow, I already learned to lean on these guys during the past months when I was still in my adjusting period and right now, when everything seems to fall into place with them - I am left stranded.  It might just be me, feeling this way but - hey, it's what I feel.

I just don't get it.  I really just don't.  When I thought that we'll always be there for each other as we always said, suddenly - we're not.  Well, maybe - it's just that we really have to go through our lives without relying too much on other people.  It's probably just because we need to fend for ourselves every single day of our lives.  Alone.

Sure, no man is an island as the saying goes - but you would still have to stand on your own without having other people support every single step that you make.  It's still going to be just you in the end.  You might have friends, family, acquaintances, but in the end - when you have to make decisions and you have to realize things, you will be doing that on your own.

So maybe - I really don't have to be feeling this down with my support group.  Because as it turns out - they may be not be the "support" I would really need.

Sorry.  I don't think I should be bashing them like this just because I could feel that we are drifting apart.  I have to understand as well that they have their own lives to live and I have mine as well to worry about.  I just - I just, well, I feel stranded like I said.  And alone.  Like I have no one to talk to or turn to like I usually did before.

Oh well...  I hope this passes.  I'm sure it will.  It might just be a phase and we'll all be ok once more.

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 14:56 | link | comments (1) |
rants and raves

INSANITY

 

The mind playing tricks on me

Visions of perfection blurs my way.

How can I know the truth

When everything seems to lie?

Tell me how.

 

The world.  Beautiful to you

Ensnares you, enslaves you

And yet all of these are just facades.

Faces.  Tempting.

Sinister lies.

 

Weep with me.  Feel my sorrow.

But never come near me

For I am not really here.

Fear me.  My soul is asking,

Grasping for you.

 

I travel a path no one else dared to take

A path so dark and yet ends in light.

Music pounds in my ear

Freeing me from bondage.

Of what?  I never can tell.

 

Help me.  Move with me.

I do not have to lose it all.

Leave me.  Something.

Anything.

Just make it go away.

Away.

 

17 September 2006

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 13:11 | link | comments (3) |
rants and raves