LOST in SPACE

my place. my life. don't interfere.

 

Can I just say that I'm feeling at a lost right now?

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Don't be surprised if I'm going to be gone for some time...

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 15:21 | link | comments (2) |
wala lang stuff, rants and raves

You know what?

SHUT THE F*CK UP!

Maybe we aren't really meant to be together.  So why the hell am I still stuck with you, pining for you when I know that we aren't meant to be together?

Am I just one sick f*ck?!  Maybe I am.  Maybe I'm not.  Maybe I'm just some insane lunatic out there screaming her eyes out, yelling to her heart's content nonsense, senseless things.

What the hell?!

You are going to be my downfall.  You will be the death of me.  Maybe you should think about what you are doing to me. 

 

 

 

Maybe we really aren't just cut out to be together...

 

 

 

 

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 00:46 | link | comments |
rants and raves

The hell is wrong with me?!!!

Lately, I feel like some demon is possessing me to do things I won't normally do on normal circumstances.  And yet, here I am - guilty of being.

I cut myself to pieces, knowing that for some reason - it would take a while for me to gather everything and put them back together.

I cry my eyes out, knowing that the tears wouldn't immediately die down and would continuously flow, until I am so used up, dried up.

I shout to everyone and anyone senseless things.  Things that I thought were enough to explain what it is that I'm doing and yet - are completely - pointless.

My mind and soul is a mess.  My life is simply in a rut - to put it in Layman's terms.

Damn it all...

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 11:44 | link | comments |
rants and raves, wala lang stuff

WRONG, YET OH SO RIGHT…

The sounds were blaring inside the bar where a friend of mine threw a party.  I sat there, observing everyone mingling with each other, dancing to the beat, talking, simply having a good time and chilling out as I occasionally took a sip of my vodka tonic.

 

I was quite contented with sitting alone, greeting a few people who came my way, contemplating what already transpired in my life for the past 5 years.  I’m a 22 year-old freelance production manager, who, so to speak, can quite say – has everything life could possibly give.  My own house, my own car, my first million, a loving and supporting family – at a very young and promising age at that.  What else could a girl want?  I have everything.  That is – except someone to love.

 

Not that I didn’t have my share of flings and relationships in the past – but those just weren’t… Real.  

 

I had a relationship that I felt was real though.  That was my very first relationship.  My first love, if you could call it that.  But it didn’t last long.  I was only 16 then.  What do I know about love, life and relationships?  So I considered it a fling after that.  But I felt that it was the only relationship I had that was real.

 

So there I was – mulling over the life that I’ve lived so far when I felt my mobile phone vibrating in my purse.  Quickly, I got it out to check if someone was calling me at the middle of the night.  Maybe one of the directors I was working for has another job for me to do.

 

1 new SMS received.

 

Oh.  It was just a text message.  Who would be messaging me at this hour that I know?

 

Hi. Ü

 

It was just a number.  The number didn’t register on my phone so I messaged back – Who’s this?

 

U dnt rmembr me anymre? :(

 

What the hell?  I wouldn’t ask you who in the world you are if I knew who you were.  No, sorry.  So it’s either you tell me who you are or just bugger off.

 

Hehe. Ur stl d same. Ü Fyn, its me – Josh. Ü    

 

I almost dropped my phone in shock when I read that message.  Here I was, thinking of my past relationships, and one particular relationship which I felt was real and now – that same person in that relationship was now texting me!  What the hell has the world gotten into?!

 

I responded nonchalantly.  Oh.  It’s just you.  I know I should be quite thrilled that he kept in touch with me after for so long.  After we broke up years ago, the communication between us as well stopped.  Even if we did get out with the same circle of friends, we don’t usually talk to each other anymore.  Even until the time that I heard that he went to a different place to work.

 

Hmm... It seems lyk ur not quite happy 2 hear 4rm me… Ü

 

It’s not that I wasn’t happy.  It’s just that – well – it’s been years.  And from what I heard from his best friend, Ron, he now had a girlfriend that he’s now eyeing to marry.  Well, it’s not that.  Let’s just say I was surprised, Josh.

 

Sigh… Yah – it’s been wat? Almost 5yrs alrdy, ryt?  So hw r u, nwadays? Ü

 

Right.  Very true.  It’s been half a decade since we last talked to each other.  And we were still in a relationship then and now?  He was just asking me now how I am?!  I’m good, Josh.  Been really busy lately.

 

I heard ur a millionaire nw.  Wen wl u b treatng me out? Ü Btw, wer r u nw?

 

Treat him out?  Treat him out?!  No, I don’t think I would.  Do you know that it would only probably hurt me to see him again?  Me?  I’m here at a friend’s party at the city.

 

Hw r u goin 2 gt hme 4rm der?  Its gettng pretty late alrdy.

 

Why was he asking me how I was going to get home that night?  It was as if he cared.  I couldn’t lie though and say I have my car because I didn’t have my car then.  I left it at home.  I knew I could always hitch a ride with several of my friends at the party but I don’t know what made me respond – I really don’t know how I’m gonna get home.  I left my car at the house.  And left it at that.  Why didn’t I say that I could always get a ride home from one of my friends at the party?

 

I jz got off work.  Do u wnt me 2 pck u up?

 

I almost dropped my phone for the second time around that evening when he texted me that.  Him?  Pick me up?  For some reason unknown though – it made me smile for real for the first time that night.  He still cared, I thought.  So I decided to shock him as well.  Ok.  Do you know the…?  I texted back and proceeded to explain to him how to get to my friend’s party.

 

Ok.  I got dat.  Wait 4 me.  I’ll b der in arnd 30mins or so. Ü

 

I was smiling after that until he arrived.  Some of my friends thought it weird that I was smiling for no apparent reason.  Little did they know…

 

He called me after 20minutes from his last text saying he’s already near the area but was kind of lost.  So I gave him directions and finally – he came to the right place.

 

He called me again to say he was right outside the bar and I immediately went out, fixing my hair and clothes in the process.  When I stepped outside – I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks.  There stood Josh, his back turned towards me.  I didn’t know how I was supposed to react.  Here was the man I considered my first love.  Here was the man who’s about to get married but still came all the way to get me.  Was fate simply cruel?

 

Like in the movies, slowly, he turned and upon seeing me – he smiled a genuine smile, a happy smile.  I returned that smile and walked towards him.  “Hi,” I said slowly.

 

“Hey,” he replied.  “So…”

 

We both didn’t know what to say.  We stood there facing each other, lost in each other’s memories of each other.

 

“Do you want to come inside for a while?” I asked.  “We could leave after a few minutes.  It’s getting late as well.”

 

He shrugged but flashed that gorgeous smile once more that made my insides turn to jelly.  “Sure.  As long as we don’t take long.  I’d like to get you to myself as soon as possible,” he said, winking at my direction then turning towards the main entrance. 

 

I was stunned for a moment, then blushed as I realized the implication of that reaction but I recovered quickly.  Get a grip, I told myself.  He’s only flirting with you, no more no less.

 

For a short moment, he charmed several of my friends and made himself well-known in the party, earning him new friends and acquaintances.  I smiled as I watched him laugh and joke around people.  He didn’t change from the last time I saw him, he was still the same.

 

Then finally, it was time to go.  We said our goodbyes and waved to our friends and headed for the exit.  Once outside, I turned to him and asked, “So – where to now?  Did you bring your car?”

 

He smiled sheepishly at me and replied, “Uhm, actually no.  I didn’t.  I left my car at home as well.  But I just really couldn’t resist not seeing you tonight.”  He then started to walk towards the taxi lane with me walking beside him.  “I don’t know what’s up.  But somehow, I felt that I really have to see you tonight.”

 

“Yeah…” I said quietly, feeling the same way.

 

He then hailed a cab and ushered me inside first when one stopped in front of us.  He followed after I went in.  We were sitting beside each other, a bit awkward at first.  I told the taxi driver where my place was and off we went.

 

“So…” we said at the same time then stopped then laughed, although nervously.  Feeling the tension ease a bit in the air, we started to talk about anything, reminiscing about the past, talking about plans and the future.

 

During the middle of the ride home, I yawned and was starting to feel sleepy that I rested my head on the head rest at the back seat.  To my surprise, Josh moved closer to me then placed my head on his shoulder.  “You’ll get a stiff neck from that position,” he said softly, explaining why he did what he did.

 

I nodded and just savored the feeling of being near him and lying on his shoulder.  I was about to drift off already to sleep when I suddenly opened my eyes to the feel of his hands touching mine.  I didn’t know why I didn’t resist.  I didn’t know why I didn’t pull away.  Instead, I watched as he played with my fingers and caressed my palm and touched the back of my hand, feeling the electricity course through my spine.

 

At the back of my mind though, I was screaming, No!  This isn’t right!  He’s set to get married, for crying out loud!

 

Then gently, he asked, “Would it still fit?”  I looked up at him and he looked right back.  Then he entwined his fingers with mine, not taking his eyes off me.

 

We held hands for the duration of the ride home with the occasional thumb rubbing across the palm and the back of my hand that I get from him.  He shifted even closer to me and I felt him wrap his free arm around my waist, securing me to him.  I didn’t react but I just savored the moment, knowing that for some reason – it might be the last time that we could be as close as that.

 

“When you get married, don’t forget to invite me ok?” I said, leaning in closer.  When he didn’t reply, I added, “Don’t worry, I won’t stand up and tell the priest, ‘No, he’s mine! Stop the wedding!’”  He chuckled softly at what I said.

 

When we finally reached my house (he paid for the cab fare, by the way), I stood there facing the gate, my back turned towards him.

 

“Hey,” he said, approaching me from behind.

 

“So I guess this is it, huh?” I said, smiling quite painfully.  He nodded then stretched his arms towards me.  Immediately, I stepped into them and felt him embracing me securely, tightly.

 

“You’ll always remain special to me, Lia,” he whispered in my ear.  “No matter what.”

 

I didn’t reply but stepped away from him and planted a soft kiss at the corner of his lips, lingering there for a moment.

 

Then I turned and walked inside the house, not looking back.  I knew he was still watching me even as I locked my front door and that he stood there for some time even when I was already in my room, dressing for the night before he left.

 

It was wrong.  What just transpired between us was wrong.  We both knew it.  Fate simply didn’t want us to be together.  But at that moment, that precise moment – we both felt that it was right.

 

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Note: Entirely fictional but based on a true story.  Names and places changed for protection.

 

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 10:04 | link | comments (9) |
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