LOST in SPACE

my place. my life. don't interfere.

 

I am currently feeling...  I don't know. Happy?  Sad?  Excited?  Confused?

I have mixed emotions right now.

I am excited about moving out of the place I am currently staying at (at my aunt's place in Covina).  I'm moving to Northridge and renting a place for my own.  Yeah, it's something to be excited about since I'm really talking about being independent this time around for real.  I will be cooking my own food, making my own way in the world.  Alone.

That's gotta be something.

And yet - I feel so... Detached? 

I don't know.

It seems weird that I'm feeling like this.  I should be really ecstatic since it's a big leap for me.  Maybe that's it.  It is a BIG leap so I feel - hmm...

With work, I'm getting tired with it.  I need something new.  A change of scenery.  It's been kinda a routine for me lately.  Plus my boss is asking for too much already.  We're getting along pretty fine but I just need to do what I really like I suppose. 

Everything seems so uncertain for me at the moment.  My decisions are being hampered by.... By what?  I couldn't tell.  Why does it seem like I don't know which path I have to take right now? 

I've made some good decisions lately, I think or so other people think.  And yet it feels like something is missing.  Something that makes it incomplete.  What?  Please don't ask me.  I wouldn't be able to tell you.

I'm thinking such random thoughts.  Feelings.  Nothingness. 

What do I need to do?  What should I do?  How?  And why?

Questions are left unanswered.  I have a lot of those.  I've been crying myself to sleep sometimes because I don't know what to feel and what to do with what I'm going through. 

People see that I'm ok with my life.  People think I'm ok.  People think I'm happy and that I'm really blessed with a lot of things.  But...

I need something.  I just couldn't pinpoint what.  I have friends.  I have my support group.  I have my family.  I have God.  But there is still something that I need.  I just don't know what. 

Do I need myself?  I think I need to find myself.  My niche.  My life.  The thing that I really want to have.  What is that? 

Dang.

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 13:54 | link | comments |
rants and raves, wala lang stuff

He was the first person I saw among the throng of people inside the bus.  He was looking outside the window, his forehead on it, lost in thought.  His shoulders were slumped, his eyes depicted sadness.  Sadness that could only come from somewhere deep within.  Sadness that couldn’t be reached unless coaxed out.

 

There was an empty seat beside him.  Why no one would want to sit at that seat, when there were people standing inside the bus already, was something I couldn’t fathom.  Maybe that was why he was lonely.  No one would sit beside him.  No one wanted to be with him.  His face unsmiling, his eyes on the verge of tears.  He was lonely.  Alone.  So I went to him and sat beside him.  He looked up briefly and gave me a small smile.  As if he was grateful that I sat beside him.  That I alone understood how he wanted to be with someone and yet no one would hear his silent plea. 

 

I smiled back.  Acknowledging his silent thanks.  His gaze lingered for a few seconds and then he went back to staring outside the window.  I was half tempted to talk to him.  To ask him how he was.  To know what it was that he was thinking.  To know why he was alone and lonely.  To ask if he needed someone to listen to him. 

 

I looked at his reflection in the window.  With the glaring lights inside the bus, it wasn’t hard to see him.  I wanted to comfort him.  To offer my friendship.  To offer a listening ear, a lending hand. 

 

But then – my stop came. 

 

I took a glance at him, trying to see if he would look at me.  That alone would have stopped me and I would have stayed.  But he didn’t.  He continued staring outside the window.  He continued on his silent loneliness.

 

I stood up and walked towards the exit of the bus.  I looked back at him and I was startled.  He was looking right back at me.  Before I went down, he mouthed “Thank you” and then the bus door closed.

 

As I watched the bus drive away – I smiled.  And remembered.

 

26 September 2006

said, written, taken, ranted by: wuthie at 12:17 | link | comments |
stories, wala lang stuff